He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
