He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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