I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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