I need to stop coming to work sober
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
