You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
