i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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