Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
