elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
