He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
