Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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