Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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