I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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