I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
