Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Someone signed my nipple.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
