i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
