i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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