my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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