And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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