Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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