i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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