I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
