I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
