i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
