I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
