If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
