Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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