he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
It was confusing and full of hummus
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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