I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My vagina is very pro this idea
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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