I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
