That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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