all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize