Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
