i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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