What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
