It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
sarcasm needs its own font
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
