I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
