Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
