He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
