We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
