??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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