i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
