Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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