remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
