I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
