she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's shark week go big or go home
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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