i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
