Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
