DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
