Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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