His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
