his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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