Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize