He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
