Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
