That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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