im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
