Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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