I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
