hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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